what day is it and did you see me today?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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