I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
