Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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