Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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