Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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