Moan for me like Helen Keller
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
