I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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