I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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