1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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