How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I will die if light touches me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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