I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
