I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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