so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
