i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
