Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You can't just leave with hair like that
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
