i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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