Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
