your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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