you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
