just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
