Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
