I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
