I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
