this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
