My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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