My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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