I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
