I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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