Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
