remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
