allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I met the friendliest cop last night
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
