some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
