i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
