Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
