after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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