Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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