guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
