im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize