if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
