Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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