there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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