i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
