sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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