Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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