he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
