Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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