so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
