just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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