Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize