Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
