Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
