So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
