he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
