he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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