she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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