Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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