You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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